Trapped

I'm finished with the first semester of nursing. It was an accelerated program (shorter weeks) and I won't go back until Fall.

The cycle has begun again and I knew it was going to happen. Right now, I don't have a car, and I usually work from home because trying to get from to work on time by public transportation is quite a hassle. Sharing my mom's car is going to cause even more drama than necessary

NDad is complaining about me being home all the time in my room. I have no where to go. And he pretty much owns the entire house (we live in a small home) throughout the day, he goes from the basement to the living room, to the den all day. Therefore, the only place I can seek refuge is my room. I do come out to cook, and do a little cleaning but that is about it. However, NDad gets on the phone and lies to my mom, and other relatives that I never leave my room or he makes it seem as if I stay in my room because I'm "crazy" when in reality, I'm in here because there's not much for me to do elsewhere and he nitpicks and instigates arguments at every chance he gets. However, if I take the car to go somewhere he'll lie that I burned up all the gas, even though I replaced the fuel that I burned. He always has a barrage of complaints.

So after Ndad picks my mom up from work, she comes home, goes in my room and provokes arguments and fights with me about how I've been in my room all day. She pretty much backs me into a wall and starts interrogating me about what I've been doing all day long and why don't I leave my room? It's awful. Then she asks me why I don't date. Maybe because I don't have a freakin' car and its hard to meet people?? She does this on a regular basis and then she threatens to kick me out and say that I'll have to finish nursing school in a homeless shelter if I don't straighten up my act. She's really just torturing me because when I moved out two years ago she was practically begging me to stay. But now that she has power, she abuses it by making threats, making it seem as if I am the one with the problem...when in reality, it's them.

She really likes to grill me about my dating history which has been dead for the past few years due to me focusing solely on school. I just am not in the position to really date due to my effed up circumstances, I have way too much baggage to bring to a relationship right now. However, my mother likes to make it seem as if I never dated before in my  life. In my younger years I used to always go out every weekend over the summer, and come home at 3am in the morning. Even had a few guys pick me up to hang out--but she completely omits those years out of her memory for some reason. She denies that I ever truly tried to have fun. If you ask her or my dad, I spent all of my life in my room which just isn't true. I dont really like talking about my dating life with my mother because she's nutty, and has no boundaries....(she'll start asking me about my sex life). She already invades my privacy and knows too much about me as it is, and not sharing my dating history with her is the only thing I have to myself.

Geesh. I don't know what to do. Even when I had a car, it was the same thing. I'd try to go somewhere and be gone all day, like the library, and NMom would call me up on my cellphone and nag me about why I just sit at the library for hours. Or the days that I didn't have to work, they'd complain about the bit of time I spent at home.

The only reason I am putting up with this crap is because I really really want to be a nurse. I met so many supportive people who truly care about me in the nursing program. It's sad that I have strangers that care more about my wellbeing than my own dysfuctional parents.

Update

I've been in the RN program for the past couple of weeks. So far everything is going well, passed my first exam, did so-so on another.

NDad definitely has a psychological condition, he is literally obsessed with painting my situation in the most negative light as possible. Everyday he goes online and looks up negative concepts to tie into my current sitaution.Its a terrible compulsion that he can't seem to control.  Most recently he linked me living at home and going to RN school with being a houseslave, and went on this long rambling incoherent lecture about how the houseslave was allowed to learn how to read, write, and get higher education. I try to tune him out but his lectures are very aggravating.  He even tries to discourage me from studying by making comments that I have an addiction to studying and that there is more to life than "college". I have to finish what I started or else I'll be stuck with massive student loans, debt and NOTHING to show for it.

It's clear to me that he is going through some kind of depression related to old age, and other factors and is projecting it onto me. Next week, he'll go online and find some more negative concepts to lecture me about.

Bitter parents

It seems that my Dad is bitter about me going to nursing school. I overheard him (actually he was speaking loud enough for me to hear) telling one of his relatives that it bothers him to see other people (meaning me) living BETTER than he was at a younger age. He thinks my life is so much easier compared to his.

Even when I moved out, both of my parents began complaining that I was living the easy life--and that I should know what it's like to "suffer". Mom would call me and instigate arguments about me wanting to take the "easy road" in life.  I was living in college apartments while I finished my pre requisites for nursing school and they felt that I was just getting a free ride the whole time. Dad who complained for years about me living at home STILL was not happy when I moved out. He never called me, even on my birthday, because frankly he was bitter about my opportunities.

He gets on the phone with extended relatives and talks crap about my mother behind her back when she's not home (not sure how to feel about that, I don't particularly like my mom that much, but its weird hearing him trash talk her), the stuff he says is pretty cruel, and he talks about how he wants to leave so he can get away from her. He says she's crazy, which she is , but so is he.  Of course, he does this on purpose, he talks loud enough so I can hear it.

I am trying to make the best of this current situation because I have no where else to go. But my Dad (and mom) is trying to make me as miserable as possible.  He seems to be on good terms with everybody but me. Every chance that he gets, he makes a lot of snide comments about me being crazy, and blames my mother for how bad I turned out. He wont stop. There is never a day that goes by that I don't experience his venom in some passive aggressive way.

There's no middle ground with either of them, if I am doing poorly in life than I am just a f***k up, a loser, a bum, but then if I am succeeding and getting my life together, it's not fair and I am taking the "easy road" in life.

This whole situation is just sick. I hope when I do have children, I'll never feel this bitter about them finding happiness or success.  It doesn't even seem natural to feel that way. Why even have children if you don't want to see them grow up and do well in life?? This is taking a huge toll on me mentally and spiritually. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night. I pray that I have the strength to make it through this program and I hope I wont have any setbacks.   

Why does my independence threaten my mother?

I still live at home and currently I am trying to find a way out. I am in my 20s. My mother is still very abusive. I don't know if its jealousy or some type of personality disorder. She definitely exhibits traits of narcissism.

I don't even know where to start. Several weeks ago I went to the mall with her, on our way home, she becomes very irritable and instigates an argument. It results in her throwing a cup of soda at me and trying to hit me as I got out the car. I can't tell you what the argument was about, it was most likely some petty and childish argument that doesn't even make sense. She is always instigating irrational and illogical arguments, & provoking fights with me. Once she threatened me with a pair of scissors because I had some money saved away that she didn't know about.

Whenever I talk about moving out, it sends her into a rage. She gets angry, picks up things and tries to break them or hit me with it. Make all types of threats and even tries to blackmail me. I don't know why she is so dependent on me. Why does she want me at home ? My mother is married to my father and they've been together for over 30 years. So it's not like she will be lonely. Not to mention, she sees her grandkids everyday. She seems to be very threatened by my freedom and opportunity. She doesn't want me to have my own money or anything. Once she thought I got a check for 20,000 and she demanded that she get half (I was not even living with her at the time)

Mother also gets very threatened and jealous by friends or boyfriends. She gets jealous of anything that doesn't involve her. Anything that represent independence sends her into a rage, and she becomes this abusive monster.

Right now I am miserable. I am trying to find a way out. I have a year of RN school left. And I need to be here in order to finish. I have no extended relatives that will help me out. They are not financially stable. I just pray I make it through this.
Lotus flower

21-Day "Free to Love" Meditation Challenge

Hi everyone! I've been participating in the Chopra Center's free 21-Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this meditation challenge is "Free to Love," and it's about overcoming obstacles from our past that keep us from being happy in the present. So far, the first three days' subjects have been:

  1. Meditation: Life's Most Powerful Tool
  2. Freedom from the Past
  3. Freedom to Forgive

I thought some of you here in this community might be able to benefit from these daily meditations. They're usually about 15 minutes a day, and the audio files are available on the Meditation Challenge web site. You can access the previous seven days' meditations, so it's not too late if you want to join me on this journey. (And did I mention that it's free?)

I hope you will consider participating with me. Here's the link to sign up: 21-Day Meditation Challenge. Namaste!

(As an aside to the community owner(s): I wonder if it is possible for you to change the default text alignment setting for the community from center-aligned to left-aligned. Center-aligned text is extremely difficult to read, and it's tedious to keep having to insert CSS in every paragraph to switch the alignment. Thanks for your consideration!)
RP hip

(no subject)

I haven't posted in a long, long time.
Recently, I feel as though I've had a breakthrough.

My best friend's BIL & family have been mooching off my BF & his family for awhile now. On and off for about six months. Last night he drove 500 miles to kick his brother in law & family out of his house. Thomas, the BIL, car crapped out & they were staying with his youngest sister & her husband (my best friend) so I've been on the outside fringe of the situation and its caused me to re-evaluate things in my own life.

My parents N!Father and Co-Dependant!Mother are not perfect. They'll always have their problems, but we kids rarely lacked for basic necessities: medical care, place to live, money, clothing, food et cetera. There were times when money was tight or the car had problems that needed to be fixed, but we never went without because our parents weren't willing to work.

Thomas's house is in foreclosure, though his father GAVE him $20K to resolve his financial problems.
Thomas's car needed a new transmission, his mother took on another job (#3) for pay for this.
Thomas's wife is a cosmetologist. He takes her tip money because he's "The Man of the House" though all he does is sit on his ass, screwing around online, watching TV & smoking weed all day.
Mind you, Thomas, is perfectly capable of getting employment, but apparently seems to think other people should provide for him and his family.

My best friend relayed to me that Thomas got into a magnificent fight with his wife because she spend $1.97 on a 10/pk of toothbrushes for their children.  (As an aside, I've spent more than $1.97 on ONE toothbrush before). So he asked why Thomas got so twisted about it. Thomas told him that his kids had "baby teeth and they were just going to fall out anyway."

I was poleaxed that anyone could have such a cavalier attitude about their own children's health. For all the N!Father's issues he's never expressed such an attitude of neglect. NEVER. It just clicked with me that things in my childhood could have been so much worse.  After that,  I called N!Father and told him I forgave him. And I have to admit that I feel better psychologically. I don't feel like I'm carrying around the "warm bag of poop" anymore.

I read recently in Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,:

"Surely your skills as a therapist include familiarity with that 'warm bag of poop' so many of us carry around with us. Imagining a real bag of offal makes it clear that a rational person would simply discard or bury the bag. But we humans often insist on keeping that bag with us. From time to time we dip our hand into the bag and stir it up. Yes, it stinks and yes it is offensive, but it's OUR bag of poop and we're familiar with how it smells, how it feels and we are comforted by that warm feeling of familiarity we often get from it. It we let it go, bury it or dispose of it, what do we have left that defines us?"

I don't want to be defined by that anymore.

(no subject)

I have an N dad, who lives with my Mum.  I sometimes wish I could visit my mother, without having to deal with some of the difficulties I have with my father.  Has anyone else had this problem, and how did they deal with it?
Pasta!

Interesting series: NPD vs BPD

Psychology Today recently published a series of articles on the similarities and differences between people with borderline personality disorder vs those with narcissistic personality disorder:

(Interestingly enough, it was my posting a Twitter link to an article about emotional abuse in a scientific journal which led my N-parent to threaten me with a lawsuit. We'll see what threats ensue after this post. LOL.)