krisox (krisox) wrote in npd_family,

First Xmas as no contact.

I keep checking the posts most days and surprised to see with the Xmas/New Year period there aren't more posts about dysfunctional N families. It's been 3 months since I've gone NC with my NMum and Xmas was odd for me, I think I've been very disassociated and trying to distract myself from the intense feelings I have. Mixed with guilt for being a bad daughter I feel huge loss (as if I'm grieving for someone who has died) and I think it's because it's like she has died - or should I say the "ideal" of her because she was never really want I wanted or needed her to be. I have been obsessed with researching all I can about NPD so that I'm well informed as to why she is the way she is and how it manifests. However, the thing is it still feels very personal that she chose to project all her stuff onto me and scapegoat me yet again (this precipitated the decision re NC). I refer to this in an earlier post in October.

I'm just hoping for some support from the online community that I've done the right thing in going NC. This is because the decision doesn't sit well with me as it's not something I would normally have chosen to do, I felt in the end I was left with no choice. And the guilt rises up...... Unless of course I had completely capitulated to her and lost my own sense of self like for most of my life to date. After almost 5 years of therapy that is no longer and option for me!

I hope everyone had a happy Xmas (or at the least bearable if having to deal with N's) and got to spend time with their families of choice.

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