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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
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12:35 pm - Could use some helpful reminders
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sophy
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I'm normally good about my N dad. He hasn't been a part of my life for a long time, now, and I'm generally just fine with that. I can explain in reasonable terms to other family members how I feel and why I've made the decisions I have about him. I can even have brief civil contact with him when necessary without it messing with my head. I've basically forgiven him and am not even pissed at him anymore but still understand with certainty that I can't ever have a relationship with him because the NPD just makes that impossible, even if it's not exactly his fault. It's sad and all, but I can deal.
Well. I'm going through a rough time right now just all around. This is a bad time of year for me every year (some kind of PTSD trigger or something... still not clear on the reasons) and this year has been particularly bad. Physically and emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess.
And one of the ways it's affecting me is every time I'm confronted with daddy issues in a book or TV show or whatever, I start balling my eyes out. The little girl in me gets all "why doesn't my daddy love me?" and even my grownup self starts wondering if maybe some day...
SO. Yes. I could use some helpful reminders from you folks who know what this is all about. Remind me why getting in touch with him would be BAD. Remind me that what I want and need from him will never be things he's capable of giving. Remind me that none of that is my fault or has anything to do with me or me being bad or a bad daughter or whatever. Remind me that I'm strong and safe and just fine without him. Whatever it is that you've learned from your own experiences with your N's (especially if they were your parents)... please share your wisdom.
Keep in mind, these aren't necessarily things I need to be taught about, as I KNOW them back in my head here. I just need a refresher course to help stop those wacky thought processes that are currently getting to me. TIA!!
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 28th, 2012
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10:40 am
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bonzifan
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I have an N dad, who lives with my Mum. I sometimes wish I could visit my mother, without having to deal with some of the difficulties I have with my father. Has anyone else had this problem, and how did they deal with it?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 26th, 2011
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8:40 pm - Interesting series: NPD vs BPD
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elspethnoir
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Psychology Today recently published a series of articles on the similarities and differences between people with borderline personality disorder vs those with narcissistic personality disorder:
(Interestingly enough, it was my posting a Twitter link to an article about emotional abuse in a scientific journal which led my N-parent to threaten me with a lawsuit. We'll see what threats ensue after this post. LOL.)
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 15th, 2011
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2:26 pm - New show on A&E
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| Monday, May 30th, 2011
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9:52 pm - Support groups for children of parents with NPD
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elspethnoir
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Hi everyone! Newbie here. In the past year I've finally come to grips with the fact that my mother has severe NPD. I am looking for an on-ground support group in the Chicago area. Can someone refer me to such a group? Thanks so much!
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 19th, 2011
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2:39 pm - HELP! I told the truth.
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kyra27
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Several months ago, I was visiting N sis in her city and helping her do some stuff. I sent a text to my friend saying I wish I could go home, and somehow I accidentally sent it to her. (She was talking to me at the time, so I probably wasn't paying as close attention as I should have been). That opened up a huge can of worms, where I finally admitted that I had been lying to her all these years by telling her that I liked spending time with her and that we were "friends". She said if we were to have any kind of relationship in the future, I would have to promise to stop lying. I talked it over with several of my friends and my parents, and they all agreed that it was time to stop lying. They said my lying hurt everyone -- my sister, myself and even them. So I promised from then on that I would be honest.
Fastforward to now. N sis periodically freaks out because I won't go on vacation with her. I admit that I slipped while we were fighting and agreed to take a trip with her, but she could still tell that I didn't really want to. So I called her this morning and admitted that I don't like taking vacations with her. She responded with her traditional response that, what does it say about her that her own sister doesn't want to spend time with her and she has no friends who want to either. This time, instead of deflecting or twisting the story around, I owned up to it and just said that I was sorry and that I wished things could be different.
Needless to say, she was pretty upset when we hung up the phone. Am I insane in trying to be honest with an N? Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing? What should I do from here? Any help you guys can give me would be so appreciated because I am in completely uncharted waters here, in a place where I have never been before. Thanks.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 2nd, 2011
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11:31 am - "Why haven't you 'friended' me yet?"
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| Thursday, March 24th, 2011
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5:48 am - A little more in depth, believe her step-dad is narcissistic, and possibly her mother too.
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mayertucker
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ell last time I blogged, I was going through a rough time with my ex wife. The mother of my two children. For those who do not know, One of these children is not biologically, mine, a fact that may have cost me my latest marriage. I have been there for my 9 year old son since birth and am the only father he has known. His mother (my ex-wife) is a methhead, and basically has nothing to do with the boys.
Well, I have been with my wife for going on 7 years, 5 years of marriage in December of this year. We have had a rollercoaster marriage, But through it all have stood by each other and worked through our issues. For the last 7 years she was "mother" to my boys, and was one of the many things I loved about her. Here was a woman, who had owed nothing to these two children and then took them into her home and heart and cared for them as her own.
Now in the midle of our relationship, we had a daughter and she already had a son from her previous marriage. So our brood was now up to 4. In addition, we lived with my ex-mother in law (I was a deployed Marine, and she basically raised my oldest son while I was deployed) an arrangement while not exactly fun at all times was for the benefit of the boys, since they were really close to their grandma, and didn't want to traumatize them more since their mom cared more about getting high than her sons. It may seem odd, but we made it work, The kids grandma, became good friends with my wife, and when our daughter was born, the boys grandma, accepted and became grandma for our daughter and has been known as that since birth, and has a really close bond with her.
Well when our daughter was 7 months old, my wife (gf then) got into some trouble because of her license status. Well her parents decided to swoop into the rescue. Their solution....moving my wife out of the house we all shared, and putting her into a condo they owned. They also decided, that she should not have any contact with me, or me with her or our daughter. In addition to that, they would not let her go out, spend her own money (she worked full time, but they grabbed her paychecks and gave her $20 every 2 weeks to live on), had her take our daughter out of the daycare she was in, change schedules at work, so I couldn't see her. They got her a lawyer so that the issues with her license would be taken care of, and also one to establish custody of our daughter, and giving me about 16 hours a week with her. They planned to let me into her life once everything was settled. There was some more dirty things going on in the background but it was a bad situation. I felt like there had been a hole tore into my very being. I loved them both so much, my family was shocked at what had happened, adn did our best to heal. Eventually my wife realized she was being controlled, and stood up to them, to which they kicked her out of the condo for her letting me see her daughter. I was ok with her coming back, because I loved her and wanted to continue working on things. Her parents threatened to disown her. My wife knew the situation was toxic, but tried to appease her parents since her mother was never in her life until my wife was 16 years old. And she was afraid of losing her mother. I know its not an excuse for her behavior.
Her parents never liked me, their main gripe as far as I could tell was my 9 year old son (who wasn't biologically mine). Once she came back, it seemed like they finally accepted our family, but little did I know they still wouldn't and would covertly work to destory it over the next four and a half years. Our relationship still had its ups and downs, and we got through them together, especially when my oldest son was lashing out about the trauma of what happened with his mother. We knew that when my youngest son was about that age that we could expect some of the same "lashing out".
About 3 weeks ago, we had 2 more additions to our family (at least temporarily), the kids grandma became temporary guardian of her other daughters kids whos parents decided getting high on meth was a good thing also. This of course was not ok with my wife's parent's who all along had been subtly telling my wife "her house wasn't her home", they would never come into our house because of "non-family members living there" etc. So her step dad (the one who says that she shouldn't love or be responsible for my boys because they aren't biologically hers, but she is his little girl), calls her and chews her out for about an hour. She never told me about this, and I only learned about it after she left. Then the next week on a Wednesday her and my youngest son get into it, while she is waiting at the drive thru at Walgreens. Both her and my youngest son were in the wrong. But she threw his football out the window, and he in return pulled on the steering wheel while hey were stopped, and then pulled her dash cover off, and said he was going to choke himself. We had just got him into therapy, since he was at that age, and his grandma was talking about moving out, which in retrospect he wasn't ready for, and thought he was being abandoned again.
So my wife told me about it the next morning, and I talked to him, telling him the behavior was not right, and I know he is upset about people leaving him. I told him it wasn't right that he does these things to people who he knows will never leave him, I asked my wife if she thought I should do anything else, and she said no. Well I continued the week, and then on Friday, she sent the kids grandma a text saying her father (step dad) was going to pick our daughter up, and that she was going to go spend some time at her mothers. As I was driving to work, I asked her if everything was ok, and she said I didnt do anything to my oldest but talk to him, and I do not care about her, or our daughter. She said she wasn't safe, nor was my daughter so she was staying with her mom and step-dad. When I asked her about the boys and what should I tell them, she said I am not responsible for them anymore. I asked her how can she drop them like that since she has been their mother for the past 7 years and she just said I was their mother figure. She said we would talk about it tomorrow, and I went in to work. I didn't stay long because I felt a crisis developing and left work early. I sent her a text on the way saying I was going home and we could talk when I got home. She said we would talk tomorrow, but the only thing we would talk about was the divorce. I had a feeling I was about to be returned to what happened when our daughter was 7 months old. I was up all night, and finally fell asleep at 1030 in the morning. At around 1230, I heard a creeping in our room, and it was my wife. When I asked her if we were going to talk she said not now because her mother was in her car waiting for her. I then asked about our daughter and she said I could see her when she said it was safe and then only supervised. She then went out to the living room where my 13 year old son was crying his eyes out asking her for an explanation, and she just ignored him. We went back upstairs, and she said we would all sit down and talk soon (still hasn't happened).
Pretty much the same symptoms as before very little to no communication, not being able to see our daughter, being offered at first 15 hours of parenting time, and then when I talked to her lawyer and gave a 50-50 split, my wife made a few minor changes, and when I agreed to it, the next day changed her mind (I am guessing after discussing it with her parents who said nope). The new proposal was Sunday at 5pm, until Tuesday Morning at 7:45 pm. They got her another lawyer, and filed for divorce. I filed paperwork to try and get emergency custody, and a custody evaluation, since even though she denies it, to me it seemed like she was once again under her parents control. I finally got to see our daughter yesterday 19 days after the entire ordeal, at the new daycare she was enrolled in (I had originally asked for the address the previous Sunday). I do not know what is next, but hope that things can work out.
I will try and keep this updated, as writing things out seems to help me cope with the situation.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
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10:02 pm
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mayertucker
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So this is my second go around with this problem, and I am not sure what to do or what went wrong, or if its the same thing happening again.
This is a posting my wife put up about 4 and a half years ago during the first round. Before we reconcilled.
My name is Chanda, I'm 28 and have 2 beautiful children a boy thats
8yrs old and alittle girl that's 7 months. I recently moved out of
the house I was living in with my boyfriend and his 2 children. The
backround on that; we shared a house with his ex mother in law and
his kids lived upstairs with her and I rented the basement with my 2
kids and the boyfriend stayed down there with me. I had a very hard
pregnancy and had to have a c-section with my daughter which some of
you know put me down for a while after I had her. My boyfriend was
very helpful when it came to my daughter, when it came to his kids he
wasn't reallt attentive to them. It really put a bad taste in my
mouth, that I had to do most of the work with his kids. His ex mother
in law does the same thing with his kids. She takes care of them a
lot, while he palys compter or video games.
Ok now on the my delemia I recently got in trouble with the law
driving with no insurance and under a suspended license this will be
my 3rd offense. I had both of my kids in the car and my parents had
to come get me take the car to my house then take me to work. The cop
would have arrested me on the spot but I had both my kids. So my
parents fliped out said "I was going to live in the extra condo they
just bought because it was close to work and I could walk. They also
made me take my duaghter out of her daycare and made me change my
schedule at work so they could watch the baby at night while I
worked. This was all so my daughter dad couldn't go get her. Then
they wanted me to not speak to my boyfreind and not let him see his
daughter until the custody case is over. During the time that my
parents were moving me out of my old house I had let my daughter see
her dad on sunday all day brought her home around 11 that night and
then he came to get her monday morning. He kept her until about 3pm
droped her off when he came to pick her up after running some errands
I asked him if he was going to drop her by when he went to work at
8:30pm from what i remember he said he was keeping her until that
wednsday as we had verbally agreed. I freaked out ran into the house
and called my mom which called the poilce and my step father came to
get to me to meet the poilce at my old house so I could pick up my
daughter. The police showed up and I was told by my step-father to
tell the police that there was a question of paternity (there was a
question of paternity I did cheat on him and I felt so bad this is no
way for aman to find out his daughter might not be his) that way the
police would give her back. We had no birth certificate for her,
knowing that my boyfriend was in the birth certificate I lied to the
cop so I could get my daughter back. If I didn't get her back that
night I would have been kicked out on to the street as my step-dad
would say. As we were standing in front of the house waiting for the
cop to bring my daughter out me step-dad kept telling me to cry to
show that I cared about my kid. He got in my face and told me if I
didn't start crying and he didn't finish his sentance. I started to
cry, because I knew that what I did was wrong. They want me to have
full custody of my daughter and give her dad like 20 hours a week
with no over nights. I agree with the over nights because she's a
premiee and he didn't display a whole lot of attention to his own
kids so I didn't trust him on his own with my daughter. I've always
been there to supervise when he's taken care of her. Well my parents
moved me out of my apartment into their condo, took over my finances,
got me 2 lawyers one for the traffic tickets and custody and one to
file bankruptcy. I'm not allowed to speak to my daughters father or
let him see her because if i do my parents said they would throw me
out on the streets. Granted they've spent a crap load of money on me
and the kids to help me out. I'm scared to stand up to them, because
of all the money they've spent and i don't want to lose where I live.
My step-dad is the one that controls everything, he's the one that
threatens kicking me out and cutting me off. I've only had my mom in
my life since I was 16yrs old so to lose her would be devistating to
me. My real father doesn't speak to me either, due to his predjiduce
over my daughter being half black. So you see why I give into my step-
dads orders? So I don't lose contact with my mom. I just do what they
say so I don't have to hear the yelling and the cusing at me. Telling
me what a loser I am and how i will be nothing if i don't do what
they say. That i don't really want my kids, I'm looking to pass them
off to other people so I can do what I want. I love my kids, and i
can't see not letting my daughters dad see her. I love him too and it
kills me to not be able to go see him and spend time with to work on
our relationship. We have alot to work on, he cheated, I cheated. We
didn't live a very good life, house not really cleaned, payday loans
left and right, not going to work so we couldn't pay bills. Pawned
most of our stuff because me needed money because we didn't go to
work. I've not missed work since I moved out, my stress has went way
up I miss my boyfriend and I know he misses his daughter. My parents
control everything that I do, no friends can come see me, I can't go
out. I have no control over my money I get $20 every 2 weeks to buy
what I need. I make a grocery list and they to the store for me. I'm
exhuasted from not sleeping since I work until 1am then my parents
come get me from work bring me home and my daughter and the baby get
s up at 6am. I havn't had a break in 3 weeks and on the weekends I
have my other kid. I know this is long and I thank anyone that reads
it and is able to help me.
Now it has happened again, and its been 19 days. She has filed for divorce (we married after the first event), and pretty much the same, no contact with me, not allowing me to see our daughter, just up and left said she wasn't responsible for my boys, after she had said for the past 4 and a half years she was their mother. No explanation nothing. So I am thinking that the same thing has happened and her father is a N and this is just a repeat in the cycle. If this is the case, I do not know if there is anything I can do to save my marriage and help my wife. Any help is appreciated. I love my wife, and our daughter, and it is killing me to not know what is going on.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 10th, 2011
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11:11 am
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wickedwisdom
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Just had one of those revelatory moments.
BPDfamily.com was talking about having trouble with authority figures that exhibit BPD-behavior. See here. http://tinyurl.com/6c25487
I just realized that I act out towards people that behave like N!father. In the past, I've acted out on the DL. I'd keep quotes about civil disobedience at my cubicle and other such silliness.
One previous boss jumps quickly to mind. She'd assign tasks, but micromanage and muddy up the waters. If it went well, she take all the credit. If I didn't, it was "our fault." She asked one of my co-workers if she was "still taking her meds" in front of other people to embarrass her. Somehow, she's retained her job and is still treating people the same way. From what I've been told, many people have quit because they can't deal with her and her outrageous behavior, but her boss won't see she has the problem. She reminds me SO much of the father its scary.
So now I realize people that exhibit these behaviors trigger something within me. Its probably been this way for years and I've just now get it.
current mood:  contemplative
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 7th, 2011
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6:52 pm - laugh
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joesgirl152
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So one of my ideas with dealing with my N sister is humor. When she says something mean, just say wow, you should be on one of those shows where they have to break bad news to people. You are so good at getting right to the point no matter. lol I don't know if it's a good strategy but otherwise, what do you say? No point in defending yourself or trying to reason with her.
Anyway...I thought I'd share this comment that she posted on my brothers facebook for his birthday. It sums up the attitude of a NPD person exactly. Always about them!
"Happy Birthday. I can't believe you didn't come and hang out with me. Its like you don't love me at all..."It made me laugh. I guess thats good...maybe I'm getting to a good place and detaching!
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
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4:46 pm - I'd appreciate your advice
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dadhasnpd
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Hi there,
I'm new to this forum and would really love to see if anyone out there has advice for how I can help my dad, who has been diagnosed with NPD and an addiction to romantic relationships and sex. I'd also love some advice about how I can keep my sanity and avoid being consumed by all this. My dad is 70 and is quite self-destructive. Because of his issues, he's a very easy target for people who seek to exploit him. I'm doing my best to protect him but he constantly lies and manipulates to undermine my efforts, which leaves himself even more vulnerable to exploitation - everyone in our family and his therapists believe he is at risk of losing everything soon. We've seen him be exploited before - about a year ago, he got involved with a woman who convinced him to give her a credit card and provide her with financial support - in just a few months, he gave her nearly $40,000 (which he cannot afford) - all this was happening while his wife (my mother) was suffering from complications due to a severe stroke. Dad refused to see the fact that he was being taken advantage of, even though the facts were clear; he ignored the warnings to three different therapists, two police officers, a private detective, all his friends and his family. After many stressful months, I was finally able to convince dad that he was being taken advantage of when the woman broke into his house to steal something - then I got a restraining order against her and set up a Trust and durable power of attorney to make sure that this kind of exploitation wouldn't happen again.
But now, my dad is involved with another woman who aims to exploit him. He met this one on the internet over the summer - over the course of just two weeks of email-only communication, he claimed she 'cured him', that she was his 'soul mate' and that he wanted to give her everything. (And this was happening while his wife/my mother was dying). Dad has been seeing this new woman for six months now and since my mother has recently passed away, dad is hell-bent on marrying this new woman asap. This new woman claims that she will not marry him unless he revokes our durable power of attorney and the trust and give her control of his assets. He will not listen to reason and is unwilling to understand that the trust and power of attorney are there to protect him - his only concern is that she'll leave him if he doesn't revoke the trust and power of attorney. He admits that he believes that this new woman sees him as "her meal ticket" but he doesn't care - he just doesn't want her to leave him.
I don't know what else to do to protect my father. Whenever I get through to him and we make some progress, the next day he goes behind my back and uses his manipulation and lies to undo every bit of progress we made. It's clear that this woman will take everything if dad revokes the trust and durable power of attorney, but the police say that since dad is smart and isn't incapacitated, he can choose to give all of his retirement away if he wants. Does anyone have any advice about how I can protect my father from his self-destructive behavior? I don't know what else to do.
I'd also love some advice about how to deal with the stress of having a loved one with NPD. This is consuming my life and it's just not healthy for me...I really want my life back, but I also really want to help protect my dad. Dad's behavior is often quite horrible and he hurts me constantly - he is unable to empathize with anyone. Dealing with his hurtful behavior, his manipulativeness and his deceptiveness are becoming unbearable. Everyone else in our family has given up on him - they can't take his behavior anymore and I'm getting close to that point too. What do I do? Does anyone have any suggestions? I'd really appreciate it if you do.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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1:13 pm - I need some feedback on something eating at me..
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svick
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My STBX is a N...I don't have a formal diagnosis but three therapists have told me that is their view. In learning about N, I can see that his behaviors during our 12 year marriage are spot on, as is my experience as the wife.
By 2008, I was a shell of my old self. Sad, hopeless and frantic to minimize conflict in our home for me and our child. Basically, I was a drone working hard in the home, at work, and to keep him amicable.
In 2009, I crossed paths with an old friend and eventually confided in him. This turned into an emotional affair and a brief physical affair. The relationship gave me strength and perspective, not to mention happiness.
I am not sure when my NH discovered the affair, but when i told him I no longer wanted to be married, he confronted me with it. We've been in counseling for about five months and are now divorcing. I know this is for the best...but here is what is eating at me:
I've been honest with the therapists and my NH about the emotional affair. I've disclosed that intimate feelings/ideas were exchanged...but not about the physical affair. I feel guilty about lying. The therapists have been so supportive, even in light of the emotional affair...it was such a relief to have them tell me I am not crazy and and that it is ok to divorce him.
We are just about to file our papers and my NH is being loving and compliant (which is weird to me after the months of venom concerning the affair). His position is that we are divorcing because I cheated...he says he has "evidence" that I've lied about the physical affair. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't--regardless, I know I have lied.
I'm full of doubt...would my therapists be as supportive if they knew the full story? Are our problems really just about my actions and not based on his N behavior in the years prior to the affair?
Thanks for any input.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 18th, 2011
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10:45 pm - support
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bretbrain
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I have a story that is all too familiar with this board so I'll spare you my details other than to say specifically that I was married to an NPD spouse for 15 years. I left her almost a year ago.
The person that was treating me for depression and who helped me leave my spouse has insisted that my problem has transcended "victim of emotional abuse" to "person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
I have been struggling with the idea that I'm a victim for some time now, but now to learn that I have PTSD?... It is just tough to take.
I envision people with PTSD as being soldiers or firefighters,... or maybe people who have bruises from domestic violence. I'm not comfortable with the thought that I fall into this category. It seems like it diminishes the pain of others.
I'm not doing as the therapist asked and talking about what went wrong in the marriage that caused me to loose my identity and self worth. Instead I thought I would raise the issue of support. I'm curious if there is some sort of support that others have received as a result of having lived with or having been married to an NPD? Having this site available to me is my first effort into finding that support. I've looked for specific support groups in my home town but so far have found nothing. Any success stories that you all may be willing to share would be appreciated!
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(26 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 11th, 2011
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4:22 pm - N Cycles
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eyesopen_2008
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It's been a few months and I apologize because I have had a few requests for updates. Thank you all in this community for the support that you so freely give.
My NH's N cycle has been peaking off the charts the past few months and it would take a novel to tell you all that I and others in our family and circle have been through lately. The upside is however, that I am really too exhausted to care or to get sucked into the emotional propoganda. So, I am just letting him have his little theatrical production all to himself right now. Which, I think tix him off more than anything else.
As for the Holidays, my goal was to survive and I did that. I am now looking for a job and expecting that I will probably lose this house and have to give up my 4 legged critters and move myself and my children to a tiny little apartment. Which I will absolutely love because it will be my space and even though I will be broke and probably have to donate a kidney to be able to keep my children anything would be better than this....That is, if I can ever get him to leave (I'd leave but he hates this house and would just let it go whereas I would fight to keep up on the payments and would rather keep the kids here.)
So, I am hanging by a thread and as usual, in limbo, waiting for the NH to make a move one way or the other.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 10th, 2011
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9:08 pm - tl;dr? lol.
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shake_yr_fist
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Hello all,
I've read many of your stories, and tonight I wanted to share mine. I think my friends are getting sick of hearing about the ongoing saga between my Nmom and I, and rightfully so. Anyway, even though they are SO supportive and encouraging and wonderful, most of them will readily admit that while they KNOW she is crazy, they can't fully understand the effects it has on me (namely, what has caused me to remain a party to her insanity for almost 26 years). I have a feeling you all can, though.
( cut for epic length, sorry! )
Wow, that got long, but it really helped to get it out. To anyone who bothers to read, thank you. And to everyone else who's shared a story, thank YOU too for letting me know I'm not alone.
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 30th, 2010
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6:20 pm - NPD and the holidays
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joesgirl152
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So this has been one of the best holidays I've had in a long time because my N sister decided to remove herself from our family holidays. She is cutting herself off from everyone because one by one they have offended her or something. But most of her anger or "offense" is focused on me. I have been alot better about distancing myself from her the last little while and it's been really wonderful. Alot less stressful. The only thing I worry about it my nieces, her daughters, who she tends to use as pawns in her manipulating of us. She made up a whole thing about how I don't want them over at my house, and so then she'll tell them they can't come over. They are so sweet and are no trouble at all and it's so offensive to me that she would say that. It's hard to let go but I don't want to start a discussion with her cause we all know, that will get us NO WHERE!
The girls feel awful when she says that about me so all I can do is keep telling them how much I love them and love having them over here.
I have been not really communicating with her very much unless I have to but for New Years she told her daughter that she wasn't allowed to come over to my house unless officially invited them. So I feel like she kinda forced me to invite her over. Now I really hoping she won't come!!
Do you think it's ok to just communicate with her daughters and invite them but not her? I'm worried it would cause more problems. Her daughters are 12 and 11.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 23rd, 2010
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8:29 pm
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stolen_tv
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my pathologically narcissistic mom freaked out on me today for no reason at all. well, because i didn't want to set up an e-card for her friend that she could've easily done herself but she's too lazy and dumb to.
so, she freaked out and is now taking back everybody's christmas gifts. she says she's staying in her room.
i'm done with this, yanno? i'm tired. 25 years of emotional abuse.
i'm going to move out january 2nd or so. i don't even care if i have to couch hop or bus myself everywhere. i just can't stay here and take it anymore. i think i'm going to move into sarah's mom's house though. i'll hate the stench of dog that emanates from every corner but at least she won't treat me like i'm scum.
i spent most of today crying and battling urges to cut myself. i haven't cut in so, so long -- years, i think, but i want to because it makes it all stop seeming so overwhelming and all-consuming. i feel so hopeless. i feel useless and i am tired of her insanity.
i seriously wish she'd just die. her dying would make everyone in her life's existence better. i can't think of anyone who would mourn her death.
that's how awful she is.
i could never, ever kill her, but i can hope and wish and, hell, even pray.
i've spent days baking cookies for her to give to her acquaintances and then tell them we worked as a team (no, i was alone in the kitchen 95% of the time). all my efforts go thankless.
i'm so profoundly sad. my friends are all offering their company and love. i am gathering together the baked goods i have made into little gift bags as that's all i can afford for them. i know i've been heartbroken before but this is the most excruciating feeling i've had in a very, very long time.
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 10th, 2010
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9:13 pm - T'is the season to be Jolly
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chickenweed
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What to do when family members are employed by the N's enabler to get you back into line?
It's been 2yrs of NC with my N-mother and enabling father & brother and it's been wonderful.
I'm struggling at the moment with the well meaning relatives that appear to think it is their responsibility to tell me to sort myself out for my father's sake.
This is the well meaning message I received from my uncle today.....
"hi. your aunt says the photo's of your oldest are lovey glad to here she is getting on at school. I wish you would let your DAD know. i don;t thing he deserves the way you are treating him he is a very ill man please make your peace with him before its too late,you might regret it..can't understand what harm you think he has done to you.. i'm very worried about him with all the stress youre causing him.please send your phone no and i'll phone you back"
Now this is not the first time I've been told to fix things with my enabling father. No-one appears to pretend that there is any sort of relationship with my N-mother, which is interesting.
I've come to terms with the fact that to have a happy life and to protect my chidren NC is what is required. Anyone that has been forced to NC to protect themselves will understand what I mean. It's not just me I have to protect here but my children also.
Up until now I have politely declined to discuss the situation with well meaning relatives. Some accept this request and other's attack viciously. I'm getting really tired of this rubbish.
My response to my uncle was this:
"you are my uncle and I don't wish to disrespect you. This has been many years in the making. I can understand the concern you have but I have to ask you to please not get involved."
What I'm struggling with is the mere fact that these relatives think it's any of their business. That it is assumed I'm the sole cause of this upset. My instinct is to tell them off for making such unqualified assumptions. Half of these well meaning relatives live 16000 miles away and wouldn't have a clue other than the sob story my N-mother and enabling father has fed them. I can only imagine what rubbish has been fed to them. My father made the fatal mistake of sending me a truly evil email (just after I cut contact) listing all the crimes I've committed against my parents right back to when I was five years old. This was his attempt to get me back in line.
Other part of me is sympathetic to the fact that these people are reacting to a very skilled N and enabling spouse manipulating them into indirect bullying.
I'm torn. Has anyone else experienced the same thing?
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 6th, 2010
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7:08 am
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