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Sunday, March 29th, 2015
5:26 pm - Does a N child suffer from N parents?

seetolearn
subject

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Monday, January 12th, 2015
5:49 am - Welcome custoslucis!

competewithno1
Welcome custoslucis!

I am real quiet having recovered from living with Narcissists (mother is one who died over one year ago).....but this is a great place! I hope you get as much from here as I did when I needed it the most.

Need anything? Just message me, or email is even better.

Lesley
lesleyjon AT yahoo.com

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3:02 pm - First Xmas as no contact.
krisox I keep checking the posts most days and surprised to see with the Xmas/New Year period there aren't more posts about dysfunctional N families. It's been 3 months since I've gone NC with my NMum and Xmas was odd for me, I think I've been very disassociated and trying to distract myself from the intense feelings I have. Mixed with guilt for being a bad daughter I feel huge loss (as if I'm grieving for someone who has died) and I think it's because it's like she has died - or should I say the "ideal" of her because she was never really want I wanted or needed her to be. I have been obsessed with researching all I can about NPD so that I'm well informed as to why she is the way she is and how it manifests. However, the thing is it still feels very personal that she chose to project all her stuff onto me and scapegoat me yet again (this precipitated the decision re NC). I refer to this in an earlier post in October.

I'm just hoping for some support from the online community that I've done the right thing in going NC. This is because the decision doesn't sit well with me as it's not something I would normally have chosen to do, I felt in the end I was left with no choice. And the guilt rises up...... Unless of course I had completely capitulated to her and lost my own sense of self like for most of my life to date. After almost 5 years of therapy that is no longer and option for me!

I hope everyone had a happy Xmas (or at the least bearable if having to deal with N's) and got to spend time with their families of choice.

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Thursday, June 5th, 2014
9:45 am - Probably should not feel kind of sort of good that this is happening...

amielou31
The NPD in my world is my husband's sister. We have been together for seven years, married for five, and her games have focused on me for about six of those years.

Suddenly, in the last couple of months, the tables have turned and for the first time in his life, my husband is on the receiving end of her garbage. It is pretty small right now, but I'm sure it will escalate.

Basically, for two months, she has completely ignored him. She has not returned a single phone message or answered a single email from him (yes, email, my adorable husband is card carrying Luddite). The two times we were supposed to see her, she canceled via a third party to avoid actually talking to him.

Last night, we had dinner with their parents. My husband mentioned this behavior to them. My mother-in-law's response:

She has been whining and moaning and at one point turned on tears about how he won't communicate with her and why does he hate her now.

And, in an even better turn of events, mother-in-law closed her comments with this: "god, she pisses me off".

Basically, some other behaviors toward her parents and regarding her personal life, combined with her suddenly playing games with my husband, seem to be the last straw. She has driven all three of them over the edge. For the first time in six years, I am not sitting here listening to her parents and my husband make excuses for her. No more "that's just sister-in-law" and no more "you have to understand that..." and no more believing her BS stories that everything wrong in her life and with her business is because of all the evil people plotting against her. Suddenly, they all have clarity. They have all realized that it is not possible that every single person or company she has ever rented property from (4 sites for her business and 14 residences in 12 years) is insane and incompetent. They have realized that the huge number of men she has dated in the last 20 years cannot all be mentally ill. They have even realized that she is responsible for pretty much everything wrong with her life.

And all this without me ever saying a word. It is like the sun has come out. Not sure it will change anything, but it is a relief to not be privately pounding my head against a wall. 

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Wednesday, May 28th, 2014
11:19 am - NPD feels that they validate your life

tisha313
Nothing in my life is validated unless my mother witnesses me doing something or has proof. It can be as simple as me doing household chores. If she wasn't there watching me vacuum the carpet, mopping the floors and cleaning off the countertops then I have not done anything in her eyes, and I am likely to be a liar. She is like that with anything. She has to validate me in order for anything to be right or truth. When I was taking courses at college, both of my parents, (they both have undiagnosed bpd/npd) accused me of lying about going to class, and said that I wasn't doing anything but running the streets all day. I also remember when Iived on my own, my mother argued that the only time I cleaned was when she came to visit me. I fell into the trap and argued that I cleaned on a regular basis, and kept my apartment quite neat even w/o her supervision, but it couldn't be true because she wasn't able to witness me doing this everyday. Still in her mind, I rarely cleaned and my apartment was always a mess.

Does anyone else experience this with their npd family members?

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Monday, December 23rd, 2013
1:36 pm - A reminder...

coldspaghetti
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Monday, March 25th, 2013
11:35 am - Trapped

tisha313
I'm finished with the first semester of nursing. It was an accelerated program (shorter weeks) and I won't go back until Fall.

The cycle has begun again and I knew it was going to happen. Right now, I don't have a car, and I usually work from home because trying to get from to work on time by public transportation is quite a hassle. Sharing my mom's car is going to cause even more drama than necessary

NDad is complaining about me being home all the time in my room. I have no where to go. And he pretty much owns the entire house (we live in a small home) throughout the day, he goes from the basement to the living room, to the den all day. Therefore, the only place I can seek refuge is my room. I do come out to cook, and do a little cleaning but that is about it. However, NDad gets on the phone and lies to my mom, and other relatives that I never leave my room or he makes it seem as if I stay in my room because I'm "crazy" when in reality, I'm in here because there's not much for me to do elsewhere and he nitpicks and instigates arguments at every chance he gets. However, if I take the car to go somewhere he'll lie that I burned up all the gas, even though I replaced the fuel that I burned. He always has a barrage of complaints.

So after Ndad picks my mom up from work, she comes home, goes in my room and provokes arguments and fights with me about how I've been in my room all day. She pretty much backs me into a wall and starts interrogating me about what I've been doing all day long and why don't I leave my room? It's awful. Then she asks me why I don't date. Maybe because I don't have a freakin' car and its hard to meet people?? She does this on a regular basis and then she threatens to kick me out and say that I'll have to finish nursing school in a homeless shelter if I don't straighten up my act. She's really just torturing me because when I moved out two years ago she was practically begging me to stay. But now that she has power, she abuses it by making threats, making it seem as if I am the one with the problem...when in reality, it's them.

She really likes to grill me about my dating history which has been dead for the past few years due to me focusing solely on school. I just am not in the position to really date due to my effed up circumstances, I have way too much baggage to bring to a relationship right now. However, my mother likes to make it seem as if I never dated before in my  life. In my younger years I used to always go out every weekend over the summer, and come home at 3am in the morning. Even had a few guys pick me up to hang out--but she completely omits those years out of her memory for some reason. She denies that I ever truly tried to have fun. If you ask her or my dad, I spent all of my life in my room which just isn't true. I dont really like talking about my dating life with my mother because she's nutty, and has no boundaries....(she'll start asking me about my sex life). She already invades my privacy and knows too much about me as it is, and not sharing my dating history with her is the only thing I have to myself.

Geesh. I don't know what to do. Even when I had a car, it was the same thing. I'd try to go somewhere and be gone all day, like the library, and NMom would call me up on my cellphone and nag me about why I just sit at the library for hours. Or the days that I didn't have to work, they'd complain about the bit of time I spent at home.

The only reason I am putting up with this crap is because I really really want to be a nurse. I met so many supportive people who truly care about me in the nursing program. It's sad that I have strangers that care more about my wellbeing than my own dysfuctional parents.

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Friday, March 1st, 2013
7:33 pm - Do you think you will mourn your NMom or NDad's death?

tisha313
I wouldn't mourn my father's death...at this moment I cannot find any redeeming qualities about him at all. I'd probably feel free. Something tells me he's going to live a very long time, though

anyone else care to share on this subject matter?

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Monday, February 4th, 2013
10:48 pm - Update

tisha313
I've been in the RN program for the past couple of weeks. So far everything is going well, passed my first exam, did so-so on another.

NDad definitely has a psychological condition, he is literally obsessed with painting my situation in the most negative light as possible. Everyday he goes online and looks up negative concepts to tie into my current sitaution.Its a terrible compulsion that he can't seem to control.  Most recently he linked me living at home and going to RN school with being a houseslave, and went on this long rambling incoherent lecture about how the houseslave was allowed to learn how to read, write, and get higher education. I try to tune him out but his lectures are very aggravating.  He even tries to discourage me from studying by making comments that I have an addiction to studying and that there is more to life than "college". I have to finish what I started or else I'll be stuck with massive student loans, debt and NOTHING to show for it.

It's clear to me that he is going through some kind of depression related to old age, and other factors and is projecting it onto me. Next week, he'll go online and find some more negative concepts to lecture me about.

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Monday, January 7th, 2013
1:55 am - Bitter parents

tisha313
It seems that my Dad is bitter about me going to nursing school. I overheard him (actually he was speaking loud enough for me to hear) telling one of his relatives that it bothers him to see other people (meaning me) living BETTER than he was at a younger age. He thinks my life is so much easier compared to his.

Even when I moved out, both of my parents began complaining that I was living the easy life--and that I should know what it's like to "suffer". Mom would call me and instigate arguments about me wanting to take the "easy road" in life.  I was living in college apartments while I finished my pre requisites for nursing school and they felt that I was just getting a free ride the whole time. Dad who complained for years about me living at home STILL was not happy when I moved out. He never called me, even on my birthday, because frankly he was bitter about my opportunities.

He gets on the phone with extended relatives and talks crap about my mother behind her back when she's not home (not sure how to feel about that, I don't particularly like my mom that much, but its weird hearing him trash talk her), the stuff he says is pretty cruel, and he talks about how he wants to leave so he can get away from her. He says she's crazy, which she is , but so is he.  Of course, he does this on purpose, he talks loud enough so I can hear it.

I am trying to make the best of this current situation because I have no where else to go. But my Dad (and mom) is trying to make me as miserable as possible.  He seems to be on good terms with everybody but me. Every chance that he gets, he makes a lot of snide comments about me being crazy, and blames my mother for how bad I turned out. He wont stop. There is never a day that goes by that I don't experience his venom in some passive aggressive way.

There's no middle ground with either of them, if I am doing poorly in life than I am just a f***k up, a loser, a bum, but then if I am succeeding and getting my life together, it's not fair and I am taking the "easy road" in life.

This whole situation is just sick. I hope when I do have children, I'll never feel this bitter about them finding happiness or success.  It doesn't even seem natural to feel that way. Why even have children if you don't want to see them grow up and do well in life?? This is taking a huge toll on me mentally and spiritually. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night. I pray that I have the strength to make it through this program and I hope I wont have any setbacks.   

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Wednesday, December 19th, 2012
2:29 am - Why does my independence threaten my mother?

tisha313
I still live at home and currently I am trying to find a way out. I am in my 20s. My mother is still very abusive. I don't know if its jealousy or some type of personality disorder. She definitely exhibits traits of narcissism.

I don't even know where to start. Several weeks ago I went to the mall with her, on our way home, she becomes very irritable and instigates an argument. It results in her throwing a cup of soda at me and trying to hit me as I got out the car. I can't tell you what the argument was about, it was most likely some petty and childish argument that doesn't even make sense. She is always instigating irrational and illogical arguments, & provoking fights with me. Once she threatened me with a pair of scissors because I had some money saved away that she didn't know about.

Whenever I talk about moving out, it sends her into a rage. She gets angry, picks up things and tries to break them or hit me with it. Make all types of threats and even tries to blackmail me. I don't know why she is so dependent on me. Why does she want me at home ? My mother is married to my father and they've been together for over 30 years. So it's not like she will be lonely. Not to mention, she sees her grandkids everyday. She seems to be very threatened by my freedom and opportunity. She doesn't want me to have my own money or anything. Once she thought I got a check for 20,000 and she demanded that she get half (I was not even living with her at the time)

Mother also gets very threatened and jealous by friends or boyfriends. She gets jealous of anything that doesn't involve her. Anything that represent independence sends her into a rage, and she becomes this abusive monster.

Right now I am miserable. I am trying to find a way out. I have a year of RN school left. And I need to be here in order to finish. I have no extended relatives that will help me out. They are not financially stable. I just pray I make it through this.

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Thursday, July 19th, 2012
1:18 am - 21-Day "Free to Love" Meditation Challenge

coldspaghetti

Hi everyone! I've been participating in the Chopra Center's free 21-Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this meditation challenge is "Free to Love," and it's about overcoming obstacles from our past that keep us from being happy in the present. So far, the first three days' subjects have been:

  1. Meditation: Life's Most Powerful Tool
  2. Freedom from the Past
  3. Freedom to Forgive

I thought some of you here in this community might be able to benefit from these daily meditations. They're usually about 15 minutes a day, and the audio files are available on the Meditation Challenge web site. You can access the previous seven days' meditations, so it's not too late if you want to join me on this journey. (And did I mention that it's free?)

I hope you will consider participating with me. Here's the link to sign up: 21-Day Meditation Challenge. Namaste!

(As an aside to the community owner(s): I wonder if it is possible for you to change the default text alignment setting for the community from center-aligned to left-aligned. Center-aligned text is extremely difficult to read, and it's tedious to keep having to insert CSS in every paragraph to switch the alignment. Thanks for your consideration!)

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Tuesday, June 12th, 2012
1:21 pm

wickedwisdom
I haven't posted in a long, long time.
Recently, I feel as though I've had a breakthrough.

My best friend's BIL & family have been mooching off my BF & his family for awhile now. On and off for about six months. Last night he drove 500 miles to kick his brother in law & family out of his house. Thomas, the BIL, car crapped out & they were staying with his youngest sister & her husband (my best friend) so I've been on the outside fringe of the situation and its caused me to re-evaluate things in my own life.

My parents N!Father and Co-Dependant!Mother are not perfect. They'll always have their problems, but we kids rarely lacked for basic necessities: medical care, place to live, money, clothing, food et cetera. There were times when money was tight or the car had problems that needed to be fixed, but we never went without because our parents weren't willing to work.

Thomas's house is in foreclosure, though his father GAVE him $20K to resolve his financial problems.
Thomas's car needed a new transmission, his mother took on another job (#3) for pay for this.
Thomas's wife is a cosmetologist. He takes her tip money because he's "The Man of the House" though all he does is sit on his ass, screwing around online, watching TV & smoking weed all day.
Mind you, Thomas, is perfectly capable of getting employment, but apparently seems to think other people should provide for him and his family.

My best friend relayed to me that Thomas got into a magnificent fight with his wife because she spend $1.97 on a 10/pk of toothbrushes for their children.  (As an aside, I've spent more than $1.97 on ONE toothbrush before). So he asked why Thomas got so twisted about it. Thomas told him that his kids had "baby teeth and they were just going to fall out anyway."

I was poleaxed that anyone could have such a cavalier attitude about their own children's health. For all the N!Father's issues he's never expressed such an attitude of neglect. NEVER. It just clicked with me that things in my childhood could have been so much worse.  After that,  I called N!Father and told him I forgave him. And I have to admit that I feel better psychologically. I don't feel like I'm carrying around the "warm bag of poop" anymore.

I read recently in Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,:

"Surely your skills as a therapist include familiarity with that 'warm bag of poop' so many of us carry around with us. Imagining a real bag of offal makes it clear that a rational person would simply discard or bury the bag. But we humans often insist on keeping that bag with us. From time to time we dip our hand into the bag and stir it up. Yes, it stinks and yes it is offensive, but it's OUR bag of poop and we're familiar with how it smells, how it feels and we are comforted by that warm feeling of familiarity we often get from it. It we let it go, bury it or dispose of it, what do we have left that defines us?"

I don't want to be defined by that anymore.

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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
12:35 pm - Could use some helpful reminders

sophy
I'm normally good about my N dad. He hasn't been a part of my life for a long time, now, and I'm generally just fine with that. I can explain in reasonable terms to other family members how I feel and why I've made the decisions I have about him. I can even have brief civil contact with him when necessary without it messing with my head. I've basically forgiven him and am not even pissed at him anymore but still understand with certainty that I can't ever have a relationship with him because the NPD just makes that impossible, even if it's not exactly his fault. It's sad and all, but I can deal.


Well. I'm going through a rough time right now just all around. This is a bad time of year for me every year (some kind of PTSD trigger or something... still not clear on the reasons) and this year has been particularly bad. Physically and emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess.

And one of the ways it's affecting me is every time I'm confronted with daddy issues in a book or TV show or whatever, I start balling my eyes out. The little girl in me gets all "why doesn't my daddy love me?" and even my grownup self starts wondering if maybe some day...


SO. Yes. I could use some helpful reminders from you folks who know what this is all about. Remind me why getting in touch with him would be BAD. Remind me that what I want and need from him will never be things he's capable of giving. Remind me that none of that is my fault or has anything to do with me or me being bad or a bad daughter or whatever. Remind me that I'm strong and safe and just fine without him. Whatever it is that you've learned from your own experiences with your N's (especially if they were your parents)... please share your wisdom.

Keep in mind, these aren't necessarily things I need to be taught about, as I KNOW them back in my head here. I just need a refresher course to help stop those wacky thought processes that are currently getting to me. TIA!!

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Saturday, January 28th, 2012
10:40 am

bonzifan
I have an N dad, who lives with my Mum.  I sometimes wish I could visit my mother, without having to deal with some of the difficulties I have with my father.  Has anyone else had this problem, and how did they deal with it?

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Saturday, November 26th, 2011
8:40 pm - Interesting series: NPD vs BPD

coldspaghetti

Psychology Today recently published a series of articles on the similarities and differences between people with borderline personality disorder vs those with narcissistic personality disorder:

(Interestingly enough, it was my posting a Twitter link to an article about emotional abuse in a scientific journal which led my N-parent to threaten me with a lawsuit. We'll see what threats ensue after this post. LOL.)

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Saturday, October 15th, 2011
2:26 pm - New show on A&E

coldspaghetti

Has anyone seen the previews for the TV show Monster-In-Laws on A&E? Based on the commercials, it looks like we're going to see a lot of parents with NPD on this show.

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Monday, May 30th, 2011
9:52 pm - Support groups for children of parents with NPD

coldspaghetti

Hi everyone! Newbie here. In the past year I've finally come to grips with the fact that my mother has severe NPD. I am looking for an on-ground support group in the Chicago area. Can someone refer me to such a group? Thanks so much!

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Tuesday, April 19th, 2011
2:39 pm - HELP! I told the truth.

kyra27
Several months ago, I was visiting N sis in her city and helping her do some stuff. I sent a text to my friend saying I wish I could go home, and somehow I accidentally sent it to her. (She was talking to me at the time, so I probably wasn't paying as close attention as I should have been). That opened up a huge can of worms, where I finally admitted that I had been lying to her all these years by telling her that I liked spending time with her and that we were "friends". She said if we were to have any kind of relationship in the future, I would have to promise to stop lying. I talked it over with several of my friends and my parents, and they all agreed that it was time to stop lying. They said my lying hurt everyone -- my sister, myself and even them. So I promised from then on that I would be honest.

Fastforward to now. N sis periodically freaks out because I won't go on vacation with her. I admit that I slipped while we were fighting and agreed to take a trip with her, but she could still tell that I didn't really want to. So I called her this morning and admitted that I don't like taking vacations with her. She responded with her traditional response that, what does it say about her that her own sister doesn't want to spend time with her and she has no friends who want to either. This time, instead of deflecting or twisting the story around, I owned up to it and just said that I was sorry and that I wished things could be different.

Needless to say, she was pretty upset when we hung up the phone. Am I insane in trying to be honest with an N? Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing? What should I do from here? Any help you guys can give me would be so appreciated because I am in completely uncharted waters here, in a place where I have never been before. Thanks.

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2011
11:31 am - "Why haven't you 'friended' me yet?"

rhiannonmai

Facebook Drama Continues.....Collapse )

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