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Monday, December 23rd, 2013
1:36 pm - A reminder...

coldspaghetti
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Friday, August 2nd, 2013
9:59 am - Passing of NPD Father

aberlour
It has been over two months since Officer Chou called to tell me my father had deceased. 
I still feel no sorrow.  As my wife observed, “He is missed by no one.”  Oh, I don’t rejoice, either.  I am not glad and celebrating.  It is more like a neighbor a few doors down passed.  He had become someone for whom I had no emotional investment.   Perhaps that is where I should start.
Mourning started three years ago when I realized he just did not care.  He was a border who stayed with me for free food, room, and room service.  We were having a big final concert that I was playing in.  The long-time director was retiring and we were playing many of Dad’s favorites.  I really wanted him to come.  He would have charmed everyone and (maybe) enjoyed the music.  He declined because he had to pack. 
I came home to find him watching Survivor. 
It was a Zen-like satori – enlightenment in a single breath.  He did not care and was not interested in anyone or anything besides himself.  I think I mourned this loss for the next few years.  I mourned the death of the father who would finally get it and be interested in his sons and grandchildren.  When he died, the futile wishing ended. 
I stopped trying to share my life with him.  I let him talk during phone calls.  I only discussed him in my emails to him.  My family did not matter. 
I am not triggered as before.  Things come up and I remember, but I don’t get into a loop trying to resolve how to make him come around.  Once in a while I will suddenly understand why he was such a jerk on some occasion.  On the other hand, occasionally I feel relief knowing that some of my fears will never happen now.  He will never come up and claim my new couch.  My leather couch will not end up with rips or burns due to his seemingly naïve carelessness.  He will never monopolize the television.  I won’t have to explain how the remote works to him, ever again.  I do not have to fear him making sexually inappropriate comments to my neighbors, friends, and co-workers.  I will not spend my retirement taking care of him after he spent his pretending to be Hugh Hefner.  These were real fears. 
I am relieved I will never be asked to go on a cruise in the middle of the school year when I am teaching – something he liked to do regularly.  He will never push for more children until we produce a son.  He will never again complain about high prices and northern winters, compared to third-world tropical South American countries.  I will never again be asked why I don’t retire (from a job I love) sell my house, and leave my wife of 36 year to come rot with him.  Last time he did this I said, “You really aren’t concerned with me working so much as no one else can stand to be around you.”  Subtlety was wasted on him.
It was all about image.  He expected to be worshipped and adored, but did nothing to earn it.  He claimed to be fluent in Spanish and French.  50 words in each language with hand motions will get you there.  He claimed to have lowered his cholesterol by diet alone.  He had no clue and took Crestor.  He wanted everyone to believe he was rich from careful saving and investment.  He inherited from his mother and died leaving little more.  It was enough to provide, but not enough to even consider buying a small house or a new car.
On the other hand, he was not controlling.  He did not stalk, much.  He did not demand.  Both require too much effort.  He was more of a sociopath, saying and doing inappropriate things, than a psychopath who deliberately tried to cause grief for others.  The inappropriate behavior was more annoying than dangerous.
My brother and I saw to it that he had a Masonic Funeral.  Although he had no other requests, we had his ashes buried with his mother and a marker is on order. 
As executor of his estate, I have paperwork for one 11 year-old car and some stock that my brother and I will split after probate.  He owed no bills, owned no property, and had little else. He died alone and is not missed by anyone.

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Monday, March 25th, 2013
11:35 am - Trapped

tisha313
I'm finished with the first semester of nursing. It was an accelerated program (shorter weeks) and I won't go back until Fall.

The cycle has begun again and I knew it was going to happen. Right now, I don't have a car, and I usually work from home because trying to get from to work on time by public transportation is quite a hassle. Sharing my mom's car is going to cause even more drama than necessary

NDad is complaining about me being home all the time in my room. I have no where to go. And he pretty much owns the entire house (we live in a small home) throughout the day, he goes from the basement to the living room, to the den all day. Therefore, the only place I can seek refuge is my room. I do come out to cook, and do a little cleaning but that is about it. However, NDad gets on the phone and lies to my mom, and other relatives that I never leave my room or he makes it seem as if I stay in my room because I'm "crazy" when in reality, I'm in here because there's not much for me to do elsewhere and he nitpicks and instigates arguments at every chance he gets. However, if I take the car to go somewhere he'll lie that I burned up all the gas, even though I replaced the fuel that I burned. He always has a barrage of complaints.

So after Ndad picks my mom up from work, she comes home, goes in my room and provokes arguments and fights with me about how I've been in my room all day. She pretty much backs me into a wall and starts interrogating me about what I've been doing all day long and why don't I leave my room? It's awful. Then she asks me why I don't date. Maybe because I don't have a freakin' car and its hard to meet people?? She does this on a regular basis and then she threatens to kick me out and say that I'll have to finish nursing school in a homeless shelter if I don't straighten up my act. She's really just torturing me because when I moved out two years ago she was practically begging me to stay. But now that she has power, she abuses it by making threats, making it seem as if I am the one with the problem...when in reality, it's them.

She really likes to grill me about my dating history which has been dead for the past few years due to me focusing solely on school. I just am not in the position to really date due to my effed up circumstances, I have way too much baggage to bring to a relationship right now. However, my mother likes to make it seem as if I never dated before in my  life. In my younger years I used to always go out every weekend over the summer, and come home at 3am in the morning. Even had a few guys pick me up to hang out--but she completely omits those years out of her memory for some reason. She denies that I ever truly tried to have fun. If you ask her or my dad, I spent all of my life in my room which just isn't true. I dont really like talking about my dating life with my mother because she's nutty, and has no boundaries....(she'll start asking me about my sex life). She already invades my privacy and knows too much about me as it is, and not sharing my dating history with her is the only thing I have to myself.

Geesh. I don't know what to do. Even when I had a car, it was the same thing. I'd try to go somewhere and be gone all day, like the library, and NMom would call me up on my cellphone and nag me about why I just sit at the library for hours. Or the days that I didn't have to work, they'd complain about the bit of time I spent at home.

The only reason I am putting up with this crap is because I really really want to be a nurse. I met so many supportive people who truly care about me in the nursing program. It's sad that I have strangers that care more about my wellbeing than my own dysfuctional parents.

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Friday, March 1st, 2013
7:33 pm - Do you think you will mourn your NMom or NDad's death?

tisha313
I wouldn't mourn my father's death...at this moment I cannot find any redeeming qualities about him at all. I'd probably feel free. Something tells me he's going to live a very long time, though

anyone else care to share on this subject matter?

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Monday, February 4th, 2013
10:48 pm - Update

tisha313
I've been in the RN program for the past couple of weeks. So far everything is going well, passed my first exam, did so-so on another.

NDad definitely has a psychological condition, he is literally obsessed with painting my situation in the most negative light as possible. Everyday he goes online and looks up negative concepts to tie into my current sitaution.Its a terrible compulsion that he can't seem to control.  Most recently he linked me living at home and going to RN school with being a houseslave, and went on this long rambling incoherent lecture about how the houseslave was allowed to learn how to read, write, and get higher education. I try to tune him out but his lectures are very aggravating.  He even tries to discourage me from studying by making comments that I have an addiction to studying and that there is more to life than "college". I have to finish what I started or else I'll be stuck with massive student loans, debt and NOTHING to show for it.

It's clear to me that he is going through some kind of depression related to old age, and other factors and is projecting it onto me. Next week, he'll go online and find some more negative concepts to lecture me about.

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Monday, January 7th, 2013
1:55 am - Bitter parents

tisha313
It seems that my Dad is bitter about me going to nursing school. I overheard him (actually he was speaking loud enough for me to hear) telling one of his relatives that it bothers him to see other people (meaning me) living BETTER than he was at a younger age. He thinks my life is so much easier compared to his.

Even when I moved out, both of my parents began complaining that I was living the easy life--and that I should know what it's like to "suffer". Mom would call me and instigate arguments about me wanting to take the "easy road" in life.  I was living in college apartments while I finished my pre requisites for nursing school and they felt that I was just getting a free ride the whole time. Dad who complained for years about me living at home STILL was not happy when I moved out. He never called me, even on my birthday, because frankly he was bitter about my opportunities.

He gets on the phone with extended relatives and talks crap about my mother behind her back when she's not home (not sure how to feel about that, I don't particularly like my mom that much, but its weird hearing him trash talk her), the stuff he says is pretty cruel, and he talks about how he wants to leave so he can get away from her. He says she's crazy, which she is , but so is he.  Of course, he does this on purpose, he talks loud enough so I can hear it.

I am trying to make the best of this current situation because I have no where else to go. But my Dad (and mom) is trying to make me as miserable as possible.  He seems to be on good terms with everybody but me. Every chance that he gets, he makes a lot of snide comments about me being crazy, and blames my mother for how bad I turned out. He wont stop. There is never a day that goes by that I don't experience his venom in some passive aggressive way.

There's no middle ground with either of them, if I am doing poorly in life than I am just a f***k up, a loser, a bum, but then if I am succeeding and getting my life together, it's not fair and I am taking the "easy road" in life.

This whole situation is just sick. I hope when I do have children, I'll never feel this bitter about them finding happiness or success.  It doesn't even seem natural to feel that way. Why even have children if you don't want to see them grow up and do well in life?? This is taking a huge toll on me mentally and spiritually. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night. I pray that I have the strength to make it through this program and I hope I wont have any setbacks.   

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Wednesday, December 19th, 2012
2:29 am - Why does my independence threaten my mother?

tisha313
I still live at home and currently I am trying to find a way out. I am in my 20s. My mother is still very abusive. I don't know if its jealousy or some type of personality disorder. She definitely exhibits traits of narcissism.

I don't even know where to start. Several weeks ago I went to the mall with her, on our way home, she becomes very irritable and instigates an argument. It results in her throwing a cup of soda at me and trying to hit me as I got out the car. I can't tell you what the argument was about, it was most likely some petty and childish argument that doesn't even make sense. She is always instigating irrational and illogical arguments, & provoking fights with me. Once she threatened me with a pair of scissors because I had some money saved away that she didn't know about.

Whenever I talk about moving out, it sends her into a rage. She gets angry, picks up things and tries to break them or hit me with it. Make all types of threats and even tries to blackmail me. I don't know why she is so dependent on me. Why does she want me at home ? My mother is married to my father and they've been together for over 30 years. So it's not like she will be lonely. Not to mention, she sees her grandkids everyday. She seems to be very threatened by my freedom and opportunity. She doesn't want me to have my own money or anything. Once she thought I got a check for 20,000 and she demanded that she get half (I was not even living with her at the time)

Mother also gets very threatened and jealous by friends or boyfriends. She gets jealous of anything that doesn't involve her. Anything that represent independence sends her into a rage, and she becomes this abusive monster.

Right now I am miserable. I am trying to find a way out. I have a year of RN school left. And I need to be here in order to finish. I have no extended relatives that will help me out. They are not financially stable. I just pray I make it through this.

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Thursday, July 19th, 2012
1:18 am - 21-Day "Free to Love" Meditation Challenge

coldspaghetti

Hi everyone! I've been participating in the Chopra Center's free 21-Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this meditation challenge is "Free to Love," and it's about overcoming obstacles from our past that keep us from being happy in the present. So far, the first three days' subjects have been:

  1. Meditation: Life's Most Powerful Tool
  2. Freedom from the Past
  3. Freedom to Forgive

I thought some of you here in this community might be able to benefit from these daily meditations. They're usually about 15 minutes a day, and the audio files are available on the Meditation Challenge web site. You can access the previous seven days' meditations, so it's not too late if you want to join me on this journey. (And did I mention that it's free?)

I hope you will consider participating with me. Here's the link to sign up: 21-Day Meditation Challenge. Namaste!

(As an aside to the community owner(s): I wonder if it is possible for you to change the default text alignment setting for the community from center-aligned to left-aligned. Center-aligned text is extremely difficult to read, and it's tedious to keep having to insert CSS in every paragraph to switch the alignment. Thanks for your consideration!)

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Tuesday, June 12th, 2012
1:21 pm

wickedwisdom
I haven't posted in a long, long time.
Recently, I feel as though I've had a breakthrough.

My best friend's BIL & family have been mooching off my BF & his family for awhile now. On and off for about six months. Last night he drove 500 miles to kick his brother in law & family out of his house. Thomas, the BIL, car crapped out & they were staying with his youngest sister & her husband (my best friend) so I've been on the outside fringe of the situation and its caused me to re-evaluate things in my own life.

My parents N!Father and Co-Dependant!Mother are not perfect. They'll always have their problems, but we kids rarely lacked for basic necessities: medical care, place to live, money, clothing, food et cetera. There were times when money was tight or the car had problems that needed to be fixed, but we never went without because our parents weren't willing to work.

Thomas's house is in foreclosure, though his father GAVE him $20K to resolve his financial problems.
Thomas's car needed a new transmission, his mother took on another job (#3) for pay for this.
Thomas's wife is a cosmetologist. He takes her tip money because he's "The Man of the House" though all he does is sit on his ass, screwing around online, watching TV & smoking weed all day.
Mind you, Thomas, is perfectly capable of getting employment, but apparently seems to think other people should provide for him and his family.

My best friend relayed to me that Thomas got into a magnificent fight with his wife because she spend $1.97 on a 10/pk of toothbrushes for their children.  (As an aside, I've spent more than $1.97 on ONE toothbrush before). So he asked why Thomas got so twisted about it. Thomas told him that his kids had "baby teeth and they were just going to fall out anyway."

I was poleaxed that anyone could have such a cavalier attitude about their own children's health. For all the N!Father's issues he's never expressed such an attitude of neglect. NEVER. It just clicked with me that things in my childhood could have been so much worse.  After that,  I called N!Father and told him I forgave him. And I have to admit that I feel better psychologically. I don't feel like I'm carrying around the "warm bag of poop" anymore.

I read recently in Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,:

"Surely your skills as a therapist include familiarity with that 'warm bag of poop' so many of us carry around with us. Imagining a real bag of offal makes it clear that a rational person would simply discard or bury the bag. But we humans often insist on keeping that bag with us. From time to time we dip our hand into the bag and stir it up. Yes, it stinks and yes it is offensive, but it's OUR bag of poop and we're familiar with how it smells, how it feels and we are comforted by that warm feeling of familiarity we often get from it. It we let it go, bury it or dispose of it, what do we have left that defines us?"

I don't want to be defined by that anymore.

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Tuesday, February 7th, 2012
12:35 pm - Could use some helpful reminders

sophy
I'm normally good about my N dad. He hasn't been a part of my life for a long time, now, and I'm generally just fine with that. I can explain in reasonable terms to other family members how I feel and why I've made the decisions I have about him. I can even have brief civil contact with him when necessary without it messing with my head. I've basically forgiven him and am not even pissed at him anymore but still understand with certainty that I can't ever have a relationship with him because the NPD just makes that impossible, even if it's not exactly his fault. It's sad and all, but I can deal.


Well. I'm going through a rough time right now just all around. This is a bad time of year for me every year (some kind of PTSD trigger or something... still not clear on the reasons) and this year has been particularly bad. Physically and emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess.

And one of the ways it's affecting me is every time I'm confronted with daddy issues in a book or TV show or whatever, I start balling my eyes out. The little girl in me gets all "why doesn't my daddy love me?" and even my grownup self starts wondering if maybe some day...


SO. Yes. I could use some helpful reminders from you folks who know what this is all about. Remind me why getting in touch with him would be BAD. Remind me that what I want and need from him will never be things he's capable of giving. Remind me that none of that is my fault or has anything to do with me or me being bad or a bad daughter or whatever. Remind me that I'm strong and safe and just fine without him. Whatever it is that you've learned from your own experiences with your N's (especially if they were your parents)... please share your wisdom.

Keep in mind, these aren't necessarily things I need to be taught about, as I KNOW them back in my head here. I just need a refresher course to help stop those wacky thought processes that are currently getting to me. TIA!!

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Saturday, January 28th, 2012
10:40 am

bonzifan
I have an N dad, who lives with my Mum.  I sometimes wish I could visit my mother, without having to deal with some of the difficulties I have with my father.  Has anyone else had this problem, and how did they deal with it?

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Saturday, November 26th, 2011
8:40 pm - Interesting series: NPD vs BPD

coldspaghetti

Psychology Today recently published a series of articles on the similarities and differences between people with borderline personality disorder vs those with narcissistic personality disorder:

(Interestingly enough, it was my posting a Twitter link to an article about emotional abuse in a scientific journal which led my N-parent to threaten me with a lawsuit. We'll see what threats ensue after this post. LOL.)

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Saturday, October 15th, 2011
2:26 pm - New show on A&E

coldspaghetti

Has anyone seen the previews for the TV show Monster-In-Laws on A&E? Based on the commercials, it looks like we're going to see a lot of parents with NPD on this show.

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Monday, May 30th, 2011
9:52 pm - Support groups for children of parents with NPD

coldspaghetti

Hi everyone! Newbie here. In the past year I've finally come to grips with the fact that my mother has severe NPD. I am looking for an on-ground support group in the Chicago area. Can someone refer me to such a group? Thanks so much!

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Tuesday, April 19th, 2011
2:39 pm - HELP! I told the truth.

kyra27
Several months ago, I was visiting N sis in her city and helping her do some stuff. I sent a text to my friend saying I wish I could go home, and somehow I accidentally sent it to her. (She was talking to me at the time, so I probably wasn't paying as close attention as I should have been). That opened up a huge can of worms, where I finally admitted that I had been lying to her all these years by telling her that I liked spending time with her and that we were "friends". She said if we were to have any kind of relationship in the future, I would have to promise to stop lying. I talked it over with several of my friends and my parents, and they all agreed that it was time to stop lying. They said my lying hurt everyone -- my sister, myself and even them. So I promised from then on that I would be honest.

Fastforward to now. N sis periodically freaks out because I won't go on vacation with her. I admit that I slipped while we were fighting and agreed to take a trip with her, but she could still tell that I didn't really want to. So I called her this morning and admitted that I don't like taking vacations with her. She responded with her traditional response that, what does it say about her that her own sister doesn't want to spend time with her and she has no friends who want to either. This time, instead of deflecting or twisting the story around, I owned up to it and just said that I was sorry and that I wished things could be different.

Needless to say, she was pretty upset when we hung up the phone. Am I insane in trying to be honest with an N? Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing? What should I do from here? Any help you guys can give me would be so appreciated because I am in completely uncharted waters here, in a place where I have never been before. Thanks.

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Saturday, April 2nd, 2011
11:31 am - "Why haven't you 'friended' me yet?"

rhiannonmai

Facebook Drama Continues.....Collapse )

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Thursday, March 24th, 2011
5:48 am - A little more in depth, believe her step-dad is narcissistic, and possibly her mother too.
mayertucker ell last time I blogged, I was going through a rough time with my ex wife.  The mother of my two children.  For those who do not know, One of these children is not biologically, mine, a fact that may have cost me my latest marriage.  I have been there for my 9 year old son since birth and am the only father he has known.  His mother (my ex-wife) is a methhead, and basically has nothing to do with the boys. 

Well, I have been with my wife for going on 7 years, 5 years of marriage in December of this year.  We have had a rollercoaster marriage, But through it all have stood by each other and worked through our issues.  For the last 7 years she was "mother" to my boys, and was one of the many things I loved about her.  Here was a woman, who had owed nothing to these two children and then took them into her home and heart and cared for them as her own. 

Now in the midle of our relationship, we had a daughter and she already had a son from her previous marriage.  So our brood was now up to 4.  In addition, we lived with my ex-mother in law (I was a deployed Marine, and she basically raised my oldest son while I was deployed) an arrangement while not exactly fun at all times was for the benefit of the boys, since they were really close to their grandma, and didn't want to traumatize them more since their mom cared more about getting high than her sons.  It may seem odd, but we made it work, The kids grandma, became good friends with my wife, and when our daughter was born, the boys grandma, accepted and became grandma for our daughter and has been known as that since birth, and has a really close bond with her. 

Well when our daughter was 7 months old, my wife (gf then) got into some trouble because of her license status.  Well her parents decided to swoop into the rescue.  Their solution....moving my wife out of the house we all shared, and putting her into a condo they owned.  They also decided, that she should not have any contact with me, or me with her or our daughter.  In addition to that, they would not let her go out, spend her own money (she worked full time, but they grabbed her paychecks and gave her $20 every 2 weeks to live on), had her take our daughter out of the daycare she was in, change schedules at work, so I couldn't see her.  They got her a lawyer so that the issues with her license would be taken care of, and also one to establish custody of our daughter, and giving me about 16 hours a week with her.  They planned to let me into her life once everything was settled.  There was some more dirty things going on in the background but it was a bad situation.  I felt like there had been a hole tore into my very being.  I loved them both so much, my family was shocked at what had happened, adn did our best to heal.  Eventually my wife realized she was being controlled, and stood up to them, to which they kicked her out of the condo for her letting me see her daughter.  I was ok with her coming back, because I loved her and wanted to continue working on things.  Her parents threatened to disown her.  My wife knew the situation was toxic, but tried to appease her parents since her mother was never in her life until my wife was 16 years old.  And she was afraid of losing her mother.  I know its not an excuse for her behavior. 

Her parents never liked me, their main gripe as far as I could tell was my 9 year old son (who wasn't biologically mine).  Once she came back, it seemed like they finally accepted our family, but little did I know they still wouldn't and would covertly work to destory it over the next four and a half years.  Our relationship still had its ups and downs, and we got through them together, especially when my oldest son was lashing out about the trauma of what happened with his mother.  We knew that when my youngest son was about that age that we could expect some of the same "lashing out".

About 3 weeks ago, we had 2 more additions to our family (at least temporarily), the kids grandma became temporary guardian of her other daughters kids whos parents decided getting high on meth was a good thing also.  This of course was not ok with my wife's parent's who all along had been subtly telling my wife "her house wasn't her home", they would never come into our house because of "non-family members living there" etc.  So her step dad (the one who says that she shouldn't love or be responsible for my boys because they aren't biologically hers, but she is his little girl), calls her and chews her out for about an hour.  She never told me about this, and I only learned about it after she left.  Then the next week on a Wednesday her and my youngest son get into it, while she is waiting at the drive thru at Walgreens.  Both her and my youngest son were in the wrong.  But she threw his football out the window, and he in return pulled on the steering wheel while hey were stopped, and then pulled her dash cover off, and said he was going to choke himself.  We had just got him into therapy, since he was at that age, and his grandma was talking about moving out, which in retrospect he wasn't ready for, and thought he was being abandoned again.  

So my wife told me about it   the next morning, and I talked to him, telling him the behavior was not right, and I know he is upset about people leaving him.  I told him it wasn't right that he does these things to people who he knows will never leave him,  I asked my wife if she thought I should do anything else, and she said no.  Well I continued the week, and then on Friday, she sent the kids grandma a text saying her father (step dad) was going to pick our daughter up, and that she was going to go spend some time at her mothers.  As I was driving to work, I asked her if everything was ok, and she said I didnt do anything to my oldest but talk to him, and I do not care about her, or our daughter.  She said she wasn't safe, nor was my daughter so she was staying with her mom and step-dad.  When I asked her about the boys and what should I tell them, she said I am not responsible for them anymore.  I asked her how can she drop them like that since she has been their mother for the past 7 years and she just said I was their mother figure.  She said we would talk about it tomorrow, and I went in to work.  I didn't stay long because I felt a crisis developing and left work early.  I sent her a text on the way saying I was going home and we could talk when I got home.  She said we would talk tomorrow, but the only thing we would talk about was the divorce.  I had a feeling I was about to be returned to what happened when our daughter was 7 months old.  I was up all night, and finally fell asleep at 1030 in the morning.  At around 1230, I heard a creeping in our room, and it was my wife.  When I asked her if we were going to talk she said not now because her mother was in her car waiting for her.  I then asked about our daughter and she said I could see her when she said it was safe and then only supervised.  She then went out to the living room where my 13 year old son was crying his eyes out asking her for an explanation, and she just ignored him.  We went back upstairs, and she said we would all sit down and talk soon (still hasn't happened).

Pretty much the same symptoms as before very little to no communication, not being able to see our daughter, being offered at first 15 hours of parenting time, and then when I talked to her lawyer and gave a 50-50 split, my wife made a few minor changes, and when I agreed to it, the next day changed her mind (I am guessing after discussing it with her parents who said nope).  The new proposal was Sunday at 5pm, until Tuesday Morning at 7:45 pm.  They got her another lawyer, and filed for divorce.  I filed paperwork to try and get emergency custody, and a custody evaluation, since even though she denies it, to me it seemed like she was once again under her parents control.  I finally got to see our daughter yesterday 19 days after the entire ordeal, at the new daycare she was enrolled in (I had originally asked for the address the previous Sunday).  I do not know what is next, but hope that things can work out.  

I will try and keep this updated, as writing things out seems to help me cope with the situation.  

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
10:02 pm
mayertucker So this is my second go around with this problem, and I am not sure what to do or what went wrong, or if its the same thing happening again.

This is a posting my wife put up about 4 and a half years ago during the first round.  Before we reconcilled. 
My name is Chanda, I'm 28 and have 2 beautiful children a boy thats
8yrs old and alittle girl that's 7 months. I recently moved out of
the house I was living in with my boyfriend and his 2 children. The
backround on that; we shared a house with his ex mother in law and
his kids lived upstairs with her and I rented the basement with my 2
kids and the boyfriend stayed down there with me. I had a very hard
pregnancy and had to have a c-section with my daughter which some of
you know put me down for a while after I had her. My boyfriend was
very helpful when it came to my daughter, when it came to his kids he
wasn't reallt attentive to them. It really put a bad taste in my
mouth, that I had to do most of the work with his kids. His ex mother
in law does the same thing with his kids. She takes care of them a
lot, while he palys compter or video games.
Ok now on the my delemia I recently got in trouble with the law
driving with no insurance and under a suspended license this will be
my 3rd offense. I had both of my kids in the car and my parents had
to come get me take the car to my house then take me to work. The cop
would have arrested me on the spot but I had both my kids. So my
parents fliped out said "I was going to live in the extra condo they
just bought because it was close to work and I could walk. They also
made me take my duaghter out of her daycare and made me change my
schedule at work so they could watch the baby at night while I
worked. This was all so my daughter dad couldn't go get her. Then
they wanted me to not speak to my boyfreind and not let him see his
daughter until the custody case is over. During the time that my
parents were moving me out of my old house I had let my daughter see
her dad on sunday all day brought her home around 11 that night and
then he came to get her monday morning. He kept her until about 3pm
droped her off when he came to pick her up after running some errands
I asked him if he was going to drop her by when he went to work at
8:30pm from what i remember he said he was keeping her until that
wednsday as we had verbally agreed. I freaked out ran into the house
and called my mom which called the poilce and my step father came to
get to me to meet the poilce at my old house so I could pick up my
daughter. The police showed up and I was told by my step-father to
tell the police that there was a question of paternity (there was a
question of paternity I did cheat on him and I felt so bad this is no
way for aman to find out his daughter might not be his) that way the
police would give her back. We had no birth certificate for her,
knowing that my boyfriend was in the birth certificate I lied to the
cop so I could get my daughter back. If I didn't get her back that
night I would have been kicked out on to the street as my step-dad
would say. As we were standing in front of the house waiting for the
cop to bring my daughter out me step-dad kept telling me to cry to
show that I cared about my kid. He got in my face and told me if I
didn't start crying and he didn't finish his sentance. I started to
cry, because I knew that what I did was wrong. They want me to have
full custody of my daughter and give her dad like 20 hours a week
with no over nights. I agree with the over nights because she's a
premiee and he didn't display a whole lot of attention to his own
kids so I didn't trust him on his own with my daughter. I've always
been there to supervise when he's taken care of her. Well my parents
moved me out of my apartment into their condo, took over my finances,
got me 2 lawyers one for the traffic tickets and custody and one to
file bankruptcy. I'm not allowed to speak to my daughters father or
let him see her because if i do my parents said they would throw me
out on the streets. Granted they've spent a crap load of money on me
and the kids to help me out. I'm scared to stand up to them, because
of all the money they've spent and i don't want to lose where I live.
My step-dad is the one that controls everything, he's the one that
threatens kicking me out and cutting me off. I've only had my mom in
my life since I was 16yrs old so to lose her would be devistating to
me. My real father doesn't speak to me either, due to his predjiduce
over my daughter being half black. So you see why I give into my step-
dads orders? So I don't lose contact with my mom. I just do what they
say so I don't have to hear the yelling and the cusing at me. Telling
me what a loser I am and how i will be nothing if i don't do what
they say. That i don't really want my kids, I'm looking to pass them
off to other people so I can do what I want. I love my kids, and i
can't see not letting my daughters dad see her. I love him too and it
kills me to not be able to go see him and spend time with to work on
our relationship. We have alot to work on, he cheated, I cheated. We
didn't live a very good life, house not really cleaned, payday loans
left and right, not going to work so we couldn't pay bills. Pawned
most of our stuff because me needed money because we didn't go to
work. I've not missed work since I moved out, my stress has went way
up I miss my boyfriend and I know he misses his daughter. My parents
control everything that I do, no friends can come see me, I can't go
out. I have no control over my money I get $20 every 2 weeks to buy
what I need. I make a grocery list and they to the store for me. I'm
exhuasted from not sleeping since I work until 1am then my parents
come get me from work bring me home and my daughter and the baby get
s up at 6am. I havn't had a break in 3 weeks and on the weekends I
have my other kid. I know this is long and I thank anyone that reads
it and is able to help me.

Now it has happened again, and its been 19 days.  She has filed for divorce (we married after the first event), and pretty much the same, no contact with me, not allowing me to see our daughter, just up and left said she wasn't responsible for my boys, after she had said for the past 4 and a half years she was their mother.  No explanation nothing.  So I am thinking that the same thing has happened and her father is a N and this is just a repeat in the cycle.  If this is the case, I do not know if there is anything I can do to save my marriage and help my wife.  Any help is appreciated.  I love my wife, and our daughter, and it is killing me to not know what is going on. 

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Thursday, March 10th, 2011
11:11 am

wickedwisdom
Just had one of those revelatory moments.

BPDfamily.com was talking about having trouble with authority figures that exhibit BPD-behavior. See here. http://tinyurl.com/6c25487

I just realized that I act out towards people that behave like N!father. In the past, I've acted out on the DL. I'd keep quotes about civil disobedience at my cubicle and other such silliness.

One previous boss jumps quickly to mind. She'd assign tasks, but micromanage and muddy up the waters. If it went well, she take all the credit. If I didn't, it was "our fault." She asked one of my co-workers if she was "still taking her meds" in front of other people to embarrass her. Somehow, she's retained her job and is still treating people the same way. From what I've been told, many people have quit because they can't deal with her and her outrageous behavior, but her boss won't see she has the problem. She reminds me SO much of the father its scary.

So now I realize people that exhibit these behaviors trigger something within me. Its probably been this way for years and I've just now get it.

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, March 7th, 2011
6:52 pm - laugh
joesgirl152 So one of my ideas with dealing with my N sister is humor. When she says something mean, just say wow, you should be on one of those shows where they have to break bad news to people. You are so good at getting right to the point no matter. lol I don't know if it's a good strategy but otherwise, what do you say? No point in defending yourself or trying to reason with her.


Anyway...I thought I'd share this comment that she posted on my brothers facebook for his birthday. It sums up the attitude of a NPD person exactly. Always about them!

"Happy Birthday. I can't believe you didn't come and hang out with me. Its like you don't love me at all..."
It made me laugh. I guess thats good...maybe I'm getting to a good place and detaching!

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